Tuesday, October 18, 2005

I'm worried about me.

I think I'm a viking.


Anyone who's reading this and knows me personally knows that I'm an easy-going sort.


Before I went to bed last night, I was furious. Then I took a furious shower, then sat outside and played furious bass while I smoked a cigarette (also furiously). Then I raged myself to bed.

I slept like a sloth. Screaming alien deathbringers couldn't have made me open my eyes.

When I got up, roughly ten hours later, I was immediately consumed with calm. And by calm, I mean fury. This rage has lasted all day, and I'm even pissed at the keyboard I'm typing on right now.

I have no idea what's happening to me. The state of mind is strong enough to have a physical feeling to it - a bit like tiny patches of sunburn that well up and then fade away. Sunspots, sort of. My mind races around and nothing bothers me, but the slightest thing sends my train of (frighteningly fast) thought hurtling off course. I smile when I think of how many passengers on the thought-train suffered greivous harm in the ensuing wreck.

I don't even have a good reason to be angry. Sure, I work too much. Maybe I even have too much invested emotionally in my shitty job. Maybe I'm angry because I'm lonely. Maybe I'm ticked at the state of my relationship with Melinda. Hell, maybe it's because I ate German food last weekend. Maybe because I watched a whole movie about kickboxing.

But none of those things seem like they should make me so angry, even all added up. Nothing makes it better, either. Caffeine, nicotine, sleep, work, reading, mellow music, angry music. All about as effective as punching a trout to save the children.

These kinds of rages inspire heroes and villains, and I don't know which I am. It's scary and exhiliarating. It brings out my talents and represses my creativity. It'sjust confusing, mostly.


Blogger Peter said...

I feel ya man. Come up here again and lets see if we can't loosen up that viking fury. Hell. We can go to the bar At biltmore and listen to Shatners caver of Fear of Pop. It will be totally bad ass. You don't even have to worry about catching up or anything because it is pointless while making new memories. Be-otch.
By the way you may want to put the little nonsense word entie thing on your blog so random jerks don't leave sales pitches. Like what is on my blog.

1:56 AM  

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